sometimes, the kitchen isn't my friend

we recently made plans 

to go to lauren's and jon's 

for dinner.

as soon as it was decided,

i realized that the preceding

days would be spent at

my mom's and i worried

that i wouldn't have time

to bake together a dessert.

so even though i was using

my saturday night to make

this and this,

i still thought it would be

a good idea to throw one

more dish into the mix.

i decided drop or bar

cookies would be best,

and i had been craving lime.

everywhere i looked, there

seemed to be recipes for 

shortbread with lime,

lime sugar cookies,

lime, lime, lime.

i was in. now i just needed

a recipe.

in my continuing effort

to try to use my cookbooks

more often, i pulled a bunch

out until i found 

the recipe that seemed perfect:

lime bars with white chocolate.

it called for a 9 x 9 pan,

but i opted to increase

the proportions and bake in 

a 9 x 13 instead so that i could

bring half to my mom's 

and half to lauren's.

the grocery store - a new one -

was madness and looking

for an escape,

larry and i ducked into

the one aisle that appeared

empty: stone fruit.

i know it's not yet peach season,

but still surprising.

after the crowds passed,

we turned to leave and i noticed

a bag of key limes.

i looked at the teeny limes and

decided to slightly change course.

oh, it was fate and a very bad idea

all rolled into one.

at home, i thought i could brilliantly

balance baking two things, with

two different baking temperatures,

in an alternating pattern. 

i pressed out the crust

for the raspberry tart,

put it in the oven for pre-baking

and then got to work,

processing graham crackers,

zesting the tiny key limes and 

melting butter. 

the tart crust came out of the oven,

i reduced the temperature of the oven,

and as i waited for the signal,

i reread the next step,

very easy.

just mix together the cream cheese,

lime juice, eggs and sugar.

once the crust comes out, pour

the filling inside and return to the oven.

i set the baking pan on the middle rack

of the oven and suddenly - if this

were a movie, the gentle music 

would have immediately slammed

to a screeching halt - 

looked over and 

realized i hadn't juiced the key limes.

yes, the filling is very fast, if

you've already painstakingly squeezed

the juice out of these miniature globes.

after juicing one by hand, on my own.

i screamed for larry, who was happily

watching baseball, blissfully unaware of his

next 10 minutes.

together, i halved the limes, 

pulled the seeds out 

and handed them to him with the instruction,

no juice left behind. 

unfortunately, 15 seconds

in, larry found a cut 

that he didn't know he had. 

we switched places, but still, 

with every lime,

he screamed, 

and i alternated my time between

watching the timer countdown 

and praying

that this one bag of key limes 

was enough to yield 3/4 cup of juice. 

we just made it - we had exactly what

we needed. the timer went off

and as i begged larry to unwrap 

the cream cheese and measure out 

the sugar, i placed the crust on a cooling

rack and cracked the eggs

into a bowl.

i put everything in the mixer, as larry

walked out of the room, no

doubt shaking his head at the

crazy lady in the kitchen.

lastly, i poured in the juice, 

relieved that everything

was in place. 

i relaxed,

turned the mixer on

and screamed (again,

music stopping at a screeching halt).

i'd like to blame it on the frantic

situation, knowing that i had already

messed up by not having

my juice ready, that i had been

crazy for trying to make two 

desserts at once, rationalizing

that they both needed to be

baked twice, that i was already

ready to be out of the kitchen 

and that

if i was being honest,

i had found a cut on my finger, too.

but, really, it's just that i was having

a moment. 

a dumb moment.

because i know better than to just

pour a bunch of liquid into a mixer

and turn it on. 

i know that you

should take a spatula and fold

the contents together a few times

to moisten and incorporate.

but i didn't. and so, a bunch

(how much, i don't know) of that 

precious juice that we

squeezed and squeezed, 

flew back out

of the bowl and 

landed all over the top

half of my body.

we were out of key limes.

i didn't have any regular limes.

i had no choice but to carry on.

i finished mixing, poured the whole

thing into the crust, laughing

that it looked like a child had

put the parchment paper in the pan

in the first place,

placed it in the oven and walked 

into the living room,

still slightly dripping and now,

sticky, with lime juice.

i was done. but i couldn't

be. i still had to cook the rice,

and fill the raspberry tart.

larry followed me back into the 

kitchen, where thankfully,

he cleaned up the mess as i 

started on the rice. when the

lime bars came out of the oven,

larry left, but not before

giving me a weird look,

saying, you need a drink, 

pouring me a beer

and walking out, again.

hours (yes hours)

later, when the grape leaves

and the tart were both 

cooling, i assembled my

mock double boiler,

melted down a little bit

of white chocolate and drizzled

it all over the bars. 

kind of pretty. but i couldn't 

look at them anymore. instead,

i covered the pan, fridged

the whole thing

and decided to not look

at them again until morning.

considering what those bars

had gone through that day,

i think the decision was mutual.

key lime white chocolate bars

adapted from the greyston bakery cookbook's lime bars

these were really delicious, smooth and sweet, with nice hints of tartness (of course, it could have been more). and let me just say, these should not have been hard. this is a simply recipe that i somehow made impossible - so don't be afaid of it. as i said, i multiplied all ingredients by 1 1/2 to make sure it filled out a 9 x 13 pan, so if you only want to make 9 x 9 worth, only use two-thirds. also, because key limes are much tarter, i increased the sugar to compensate. you'll want to chill them for at least 2 hours to make sure they're firm enough to cut, but if you have the time, i recommend keeping them in the fridge overnight.

18 graham crackers (2 1/2 x 5)

1 1/2 cups, plus 2 tablespoons, granulated sugar, divided

2 tablespoons grated key lime zest, divided

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, melted

3 (8 ounced) packages cream cheese, at room temperature

3 egg yolks

3/4 cup freshly squeezed key lime juice (for me, this took 23 key limes, or one bag)

4 ounces white chocolate, finaly chopped

1/2 tablespoon vegetable or corn oil (optional)

make sure your key limes are juiced.

place rack in center of oven. heat oven to 350˚f. grease 9 x 13 baking pan; line it with large piece of parchment paper that extends over the sides. set aside.

in bowl of food processor, pulse graham crackers until fine crumbs form. transfer to a bowl; add 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tablespoon lime zest and salt. mix to combine. pour melted butter over cookie crumb; press mixture into the bottom of the baking pan. bake 10 to 12 minutes, or until the color deepens and the crust becomes fragrant. remove from the oven and place on cooling rack; let cool slightly.

meanwhile, in bowl of your electric mixer, combine cream cheese and remaining 3/4 cup, plus 2 tablespoons, sugar. add egg yolks one at a time, mixing just until blended. add lime juice and remaining 1 tablespoon zest to bowl, using spatula, fold to combine slightly. start mixer on low, increasing speed to medium, and beat just until mixture is completely blended. 

pour cream cheese mixture over warm crust. bake 30 to 35 minutes or until the filling is set and beginning to just slightly color. place on wire rack and let cool completely.

in bowl set over saucepot of simmering water (but not touching), melt white chocolate. if the chocolate doesn't seem fluid enough, add a small amount of oil to thin it out. using fork, drizzle white chocolate over bars. let sit 10 minutes. cover bars and place in fridge. chill 2 hours, or overnight. using sharp knife, cut off edges of bars. cut into squares. chill until ready to serve.

we're ok, we're fine

for me, it is very hard

to look at food and to see

it just as food.

i really do associate different

dishes with different parts of

my life or memories.

i never have a bite of 

carrot cake without thinking

of all of our family birthdays

(or the fact that, believe it or not,

back in the day, Friday's,

made the best carrot cake ever

and my mom tried to get their

recipe but they said no. or the fact

that years later, at our monthly

birthday party at the magazine, 

a co-worker's mom

had baked a carrot cake that tasted

just like the one from Friday's and I 

thought, finally. but then, her mother

refused to give up the recipe. and the 

coworker said she didn't blame her.

what's that about?)

or pastina, which i recently made

for larry when he wasn't feeling

well because when i was growing

up, my mom made pastina.

yes, this time around it tasted

a bit like baby food, but,

i think we were both comforted

even now.

or pizza with vinegar,

which is almost always how i eat

pizza, once lauren and i finally

drizzled it on. we had spent years

watching other customers drizzle

red wine vinegar onto 

their ultra thin crust pie at 

pete & elda's,

a restaurant that gives you 

a T-shirt if you eat an 18"

round on your own.

finally, while sharing a smaller

pie, we cracked and loved it.

and whenever, i make this 

artichoke soup,

i will think about our wedding

and honeymoon, or more

appropriately,

our first day back to work,

following the madness.

we were engaged for 

one year and one month

when i started my new job.

our wedding was 5 months away

and we had yet to fully confirm

our honeymoon. up until this point,

i had been holding tight to my 

croatia fantasy, but hadn't cemented 

the plans.

so, when i gave my new boss the days

that i needed off, i panicked and 

gave a return date much sooner 

than i should have, 

worrying that i would disappoint 

everyone too quickly. 

we were marrying on a sunday,

i imagined leaving for the honeymoon

on tuesday, and i told them, 

sure, no problem, i'll be back 

the following thursday.

the second i said it, i regretted it, 

knowing that not only were we no 

longer going overseas, but also

that there would be little to any

downtime between returning home

and heading back to work.

so, we booked a trip to barbados

(actually to curacao first, but

that didn't work out), for

tuesday to tuesday.

then, about a three and a half months

later, a position -

a promotion - opened up 

and i was encouraged to go for it.

i spent the next few weeks heavily

preparing and about 3 weeks

before the wedding, got the job.

start date? immediately.

while on our honeymoon,

i tried not to, but i worried that

we would rush back and go

to work and that it would feel

like we never went away. 

i sat in our gorgeous private

pool thinking about the fact

that in 5-4-3-2 days we

would be back and at night,

i dreamt about things that

i forgot to take care of before

i left.

we still had a good time

and i worked hard to

get over myself.

i woke up wednesday morning, 

knowing that the 

next day, 

not only would i be at work,

but that it would be the beginning

of a 9 day-straight stretch.

it really, honestly, hurt.

thursday came, 

i went to work

and everyone was lovely, 

welcoming me back, 

acting like they had known

me for longer than 5 months,

asking for wedding pictures,

honeymoon stories, 

to see my wedding band.

but, still i had 400 e-mails,

which meant 

my inbox was full, which meant

that i couldn't reply to any until

i deleted at least half. 

i was now officially into my job

and rightfully expected to jump

back in and take responsibility

for myself as a professional,

not a planning-a-wedding-learning-

a-job quasi employee.

we were back. 

which, to me, meant

back to everything. i searched for 

a recipe to make for dinner that night, 

found this quick soup, 

shopped for the ingredients and

drove home, teary.

it wasn't that the wedding was over.

it was just that we were back,

from the vacation, the getaway,

the everything we had planned

for so long, but really,

we hadn't planned for this.

i had to work like crazy now,

but plan-wise, i was free for

the foreseeable future.

it felt scary.

when i walked in, larry greeted me,

arms out, asked me how my day was 

and i burst out crying,

saying (and, really i'm not proud

of this): hard, it was hard. 

we're back.

and now we're just married people

who work.

i set to work chopping the onion,

a good excuse to pretend that's why 

i was crying.

then i tossed garlic and 

artichokes into the pan

with broth and simmered them 

together. i did puree it, 

but decided that i was too cranky

to strain the smooth mixture, 

considering that i 

had already cheated terribly

by buying pesto (after growing

up in a pesto-making household),

instead of making it.

a handful of grated romano cheese,

a few big squeezes of lemon

and a splash of milk

turned the creamy soup

from so-so to very good.

the jalapeno-pecan pesto that i had

picked up was fantastic,

and together with cornbread,

they made the night so much

easier to swallow.

we looked at our honeymoon

pictures again, talked to 

friends and family,

spent a crazy amount

of time staring at our rings

(which we had left behind,

lest losing our new pieces

of jewelry at the beach),

and i finally realized it would

be ok. 

married,

working,

non-stop running around.

whatever.

this soup, made from

not so much, kind of snapped

me out of it, made me deal

with life and made me 

grateful for the fact that

we even had a honeymoon,

seven uninterrupted days 

together and

and that my typically pale

arms were actually tan.

when i re-made the soup

last week, it wasn't quite

so magical, but it was still

quick and comforting.

this time, i blended together my own

pesto - trying to recreate

the one that i bought 9

months before. 

i used arugula instead of

parsley and truth be told,

it tasted nothing like

the other, but still, i believe,

it is a pesto that could stand up

against others.

and when i dropped a dollop

in, it kind of made me forget

that on the walk over to the table, 

the soup had sloshed around,

messing up its edges

and was no longer pretty.

so, i took a breath, 

took a picture,

took a spoonful,

remembered the first

taste last september,

and settled down.

lemon artichoke soup

the first time i made this soup, i evened it all out with about 1/4 cup of milk. the second time i didn't - i think the milk mellows the mixture nicely, but it's certainly not necessary. this recipe is pretty different at this point than the original - one major change: i still haven't strained the mixture after pureeing. i'm fine with the texture, but if you want it ultra silky smooth, add the step back in.

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 large white onion, peeled and chopped

3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped

2 cans (16 ounces each) artichoke hearts, drained and rinsed

3 cups (or more) fat-free, low-sodium chicken broth

1/3 cup grated romano cheese

1 large juicy lemon, juiced

in saucepot over medium heat, warm oil 30 seconds to 1 minute, or until hot. add onion; season with salt and pepper. cook 8 minutes, or until soft and translucent. add garlic and cook 1 minute. add artichoke hearts and chicken broth. bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer 8-10 minutes, or until artichokes are very soft. using immersion blender, puree mixture. 

(if you do not have an immersion blender, transfer mixture to blender, in batches and very carefully blend, putting a towel over the lid and pressing down tightly. hot mixtures live to blow the tops off of blenders, so again, be careful.)

if necessary, thin mixture out using additional broth or milk. stir in cheese and lemon juice. season with salt and pepper. adjust flavorings adding more salt, pepper, cheese or lemon, if necessary. top with pesto.

arugula, jalapeno and pecan pesto

i wanted a spicy pesto and i was fortunate enough to pick one jalapeno that packed a lot of heat. otherwise, i would have thrown a second one in. use your judgement. and, keep in mind that arugula is a bitter green, so this pesto boasts a bit of bitterness. this pesto is not as loose and oily as they usually are. i stopped drizzling it in once the mixture came together into a smooth cohesive mixture, if you want something less firm, keep drizzling in until it reaches your desired consistency. 

oh, and the leftovers were so good smeared on toast, topped with pickled onions and a sunny side up egg.

3 cups packed arugula

3 cloves garlic, halved

1/3 cup, plus 2 tablespoons, chopped toasted pecans, divided

1/3 cup grated romano cheese

1-2 jalapenos, seeded and quartered

1/2 lemon, juiced

3 tablespoons (or more) olive oil

in bowl of food processor, combine arugula, garlic, 1/3 cup pecans, cheese, jalapenos and lemon juice. pulse 5-8 times, or until chopped and combined. with motor running, very slowly drizzle in olive oil to emulsify mixture. transfer mixture to bowl; stir in remaining pecans. cover; chill in fridge until ready to use.