resolution

i feel guilty.

all the time.

i feel guilty with my

family because i'm not

always available enough/

awake enough/

care-free enough

to be with them

at the drop of a hat.

i feel guilty at work

because i worry that i'm

not the fill-in-the-blank i could

be - because i'm not

tough enough, smart enough,

something enough.

i feel guilty with my friends because

i wish i was better at e-mailing back, texting

back, making regular plans with them, even

though i think about the people who are

important to me all the time and wish that

i was able to show it more with my actions.

and, i feel guilty about this blog.

i started it because i wanted - needed -

a place to be myself, through my

writing, my food and over time,

my pictures. and, it's true,

i did that for a while. but,

blogging, or more specifically,

building a community is not automatic

and i am guilty of growing

discouraged. and then, i moved, which

i've talked about quite a bit before.

i thought i could handle keeping both

going. i thought that even though i moved

an hour and a half away from my job,

and was waking up 2 1/2 hours earlier

than i used to, i would leave work earlier

i'd get home earlier.

but, that doesn't happen.

these past three months are unbelievably

hard to explain - with the exception of a mini

vacation, thanksgiving dinner and, later, a night

celebrating chanukah, i feel as if my life has been,

sleeping and working, with a tiny bit of cooking

and a few hours of glee and modern family

thrown in (we even gave up amazing race this year

for lack of time - if you know us, that's huge).

sometime in there, i realized

i hadn't been logging onto twitter and

that i had stopped reading the blogs

of the people i loved to read.

i have pictures on my camera

from thanksgiving that i haven't yet

downloaded - but will for this post.

i have been kind of striving for

getting by.

and i feel guilty all the time -

that i shouldn't have started this

blog, that i shouldn't try to keep

up the blog anymore,

that maybe i don't have

the level of commitment in me

that a good blog needs.

i worry that at this point,

when i write something, it's been

way too long and no one will care

to or remember, to check.

but, then, things happen.

two blogs that i read, recently

posted their first entry in months.

and, i realized - i don't think anything

less of them for their absence. i was

just excited to see what they wrote.

and, today, when needing a

cupcake recipe, i was so happy to

be able to refer to

my blog,

my diary (albeit a public one),

to find the one i was looking for.

so, it will be hard, but here's

my new year's promise to myself:

no guilt...um, maybe less guilt.

and, to try to love this blog

for what it is: mine,

and hopefully yours a bit, too.

and in that spirit,

i am also going to make an effort

to try to post more often,

but in whatever way works

in the moment - small entries,

story-filled, or like this one,

a compilation of what's been

happening in my life.

--

my mom, sisters and i took a trip to disney world to celebrate my mother's 60th birthday. it was an all-girl trip: two double beds, two sinks that were crowded with makeup and hair dryers and what seemed like 50 different chargers for 50 different electronic things. we played the trip like adults - enjoying a delicious african restaurant one night, very good desserts after a somewhat rough meal on the last night, avoiding characters (for the most part) and using the last day to visit the food and wine festival at epcot.

a couple weeks later, on thanksgiving - i insisted on making two dishes. my family tried to dissuade me - i had worked a significant amount leading up to the holiday, but i hated the idea of showing up with a bottle of wine or store-bought pie. so, i hunkered down on thanksgiving morning with a significant cup of coffee and started chopping six pounds of kale and peeling and slicing pears.

this cooking experience was not without its faults: i accidentally spilled a healthy splash of milk into the onions that i was sweating, the kale almost boiled over about 5 times, the greens were too salty forcing me to rinse them and just when i thought i couldn't mess up anything else, caramel spilled onto the floor, the counter, my socks and the computer cord when i tried to flip the upside down cake. but, it was all delicious (ok, maybe the cake was slightly undercooked) and company was perfect as always.

recipes:

creamed kale with caramelized pearl onions from bobby flay (i doubled this recipe and used significantly less butter when caramelizing the onions): this was a huge hit, but if you reheat, i caution you to do what i didn't do: heat separately on the stovetop and then add the onions just before serving.

pear and cardamom upside down cake from the wednesday chef: i loved the flavor of this cake, but it's true that it didn't bake all the way through, even though the top was golden and it seemed solid. i'm choosing to blame the cake strips that i used to prevent a domed top. think what you will.

thanks to our collective busy schedules, we celebrated chanukah several days after the holiday ended. i decided that i wanted to make the mushroom and pecan pate that i had spotted a month earlier. i was very nervous that my family wouldn't go for a pate, so i made the only decision that made any sense: i made a chicken pate, too. i needn't have worried. they were lovely and a huge hit.

recipes:

tuscan chicken liver pate from food52: delicious and slightly unusual combination of flavors. next time, i would probably eliminate or significantly reduce the cheese, which i felt overwhelmed the the other flavors. i also would process the mixture for shorter amount of time - i think it was just a bit gummy.

porcini and pecan pate from food & wine magazine: this one is a great vegetarian alternative, but slightly flat for my taste. i ended up adding in a bit of olive oil, a little cayenne and extra lemon juice. next time, i think i would caramelize onions and toss them into the food processor before pureeing. i think this was the favorite.

so that was my november and december.

i would like to believe

that i will post again

before the end of the year,

but let's be realistic.

it was only this crazy snowstorm

that gave me the excuse to spend

time writing,

on my couch,

in my pajamas,

with finally, no where

to go, or really no way

to get there.

so, with that, i want

to say, happy new year.

here's to hoping for more

time together in 2011.

creamy mushroom soup with sherry

five days after larry returned

from chicago,

he was tasked with spending

the day in washington d.c.

he was to wake up early,

catch the 7 am train down

and the 6 pm back up.

for my part,

i had been actively

collecting different types

of mushroom for the past

several days, along with

dried mixed wild mushrooms,

and i knew that i wanted to

greet larry home on this

especially cold and rainy

fall day with a bowl of

mushroom soup.

but cut to that evening.

i was in the midst of

work craziness and larry

was able to catch

the 5 o'clock train.

when i got the text around

7:35 that he was about

25 minutes from pulling into

penn station, i looked at the

pile of raw, still uncleaned

and unsliced mushrooms.

and then i kind of panicked.

i had been craving mushroom soup

for quite a long time.

first i found the dried mushrooms

at an excellent price.

then food52 ran their

mushroom soup contest.

and then shiitakes went on sale

the same weekend that i found

beautiful creminis for what i still think,

is a very good deal.

so then, i did what i always do:

research like crazy. i found recipes

that were thick,

bowls of clear broth dotted

with ingredients,

soups without dairy and those

so brimming with cream,

i wondered if you could even

taste the mushrooms.

when i was done, i realized two things:

none of the recipes were exactly what i

was looking for and if i wanted a delicious,

truly mushroom soup, i better use

a ridiculous amount of mushrooms.

and, so, larry returned home

at almost 9 pm to a very hot

kitchen and me muttering things

like crazy and too many mushrooms.

whose recipe is it, larry asked?

to which i stepped down from the chair

i had been standing on - directly above

the stove to take a good picture -

and said, my own. i made it up. i'm a fool.

i think the mushroom fumes may have

gotten to me. it wasn't really that bad.

but when you start out after 7:30 at night

with 40 ounces of mushrooms,

each one demanding of you to

clean them gently

slice them nicely

saute them deliciously,

and still expect you to take their

picture frequently, maybe you don't

love all those mushrooms

you once so lovingly chose from the lot.

after they had been sliced, i had an epiphany.

they were never going to saute well in

a stock pot. instead, they would steam,

rendering themselves flabby and flavorless.

so i knew that my best bet was to

dirty another pan by sauteing them first

in the largest skillet i own, deglazing

and then transferring the whole mixture

to a saucepot with broth.

that was my aha! moment.

the next one was about

1 minute later when i looked

at the mushrooms sitting well above

the rim of the skillet and thought

hmm, now what?

at that point, i had no choice but to

remove half the mushrooms from

the skillet, brown the ones that

stayed and then switch them out

with the raw slices. when they were

all cooked, i tossed them back into

the skillet, added several splashes

of sherry and let them sizzle.

that's when larry came home.

from where i was standing -

high on that well-positioned chair -

i saw the kitchen for the first time

through a newcomers eyes.

several cabinet doors open,

kahlua,

gin

and

vodka on the counter.

(i swear, i was looking for the sherry.)

a few mushrooms had fallen to the floor -

this was the first time i noticed.

oh goodness, i made a mess.

it's fine. every thing's fine,

i promised. i brought the mushrooms

and broth to a boil, along with the

soaking mixture from the dried mushrooms

and set to work making the kitchen

not look like the laboratory of a lunatic.

pureeing the soup was

a last minute decision -

up until that time, i still thought

about leaving it brothy and

heavily dotted with mushrooms.

but, i'm so glad that i yet again

pulled out the immersion blender.

the hot liquid was transformed from

a simple fall soup to an

creamy mixture that was earthy and filling.

the best part?

i didn't need any milk or cream.

i had bought a carton of milk,

just in case. but when i tasted

the soup, it didn't need it.

i just added a bit more broth

to thin the whole thing out,

tasted it and realized

the pot was fine and that

it was time for me to walk away.

or, um, spoon them into bowls

so that larry could finally eat

dinner. and then (then!),

i topped the soup with

one of my favorite things:

roasted mushrooms.

oh! these are totally optional

and to be honest,

soup is probably not the best

dish to let them strut their stuff,

but wow are they good.

like everything else that benefits

from roasting, they lose all of

their moisture so that their

mushroom flavor is completely

concentrated. they become crispy

and amazingly decadent and you'll

swear you're eating something

so much more than a slice of mushroom.

when i spoke of this soup

the next day, i chose not to mention

that by the time

the picture taking was done

and the goat cheese toasts

for dunking were made,

we didn't eat it until close to 10.

or the fact that when we finished

eating, i ran into the kitchen first

saying, see, it's not so bad in here,

right? oh, don't look on that side.

but instead, i focused on

the soup: full of mushrooms

would be an understatement.

but thick, rich and exactly

what i crave to cut a chill,

make me forget

that rain is pounding

hard on my window,

and remember

that my husband is back home

would be right on point.

creamy mushroom soup with sherry

i think this recipe took me a long time because let's face it: i was making it up as i went along. by far, the longest part of the process is cleaning and slicing the mushrooms. after that, it's a straight shoot. i meant it when i said that the soup doesn't need the milk, but i'll add one caveat to that. this soup is absolutely for mushroom lovers and if you're feeding this to someone who is eh about them, this might be a bit intense. in that case, mellow it with some milk (or half-and-half) (or cream). still know, it's a rich soup.

and for the garnish - i splurged and bought two chanterelles (which i halved) for roasting and adding to the top. i also reserved two large shiitakes (which i stemmed and quartered) and three or four creminis (which i thickly sliced). i tossed them all on the pan, along with some olive oil and kosher salt. after about 18 minutes at 400˚f, tossing twice, they were golden and crisp. just be sure to keep an eye on them - going from golden to burnt in a flash is one of their favorite party tricks.

1 cup dried mixed wild mushrooms

2 large shallots, peeled and diced

4 large cloves garlic, peeled and thinly sliced

3 tablespoons olive oil, divided

2 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided

24 ounces cremini mushrooms, wiped cleaned, ends trimmed and thinly sliced

10 ounces white button mushrooms, wiped cleaned, ends trimmed and thinly sliced

6 ounces shiitake mushrooms, wiped clean, stemmed and thinly sliced

1 cup pale sherry, divided

7-8 cups chicken stock

place dried mushrooms in medium heatproof bowl. in small saucepot, bring 2 cups water to a boil; pour over mushrooms. let sit 30 minutes. using slotted spoon, remove mushrooms from broth. chop. place coffee strainer carefully into measuring cup. carefully (so that the filter doesn't move) pour soaking liquid into cup. the dirt and grit from the mushrooms will stay in the strainer. reserve chopped rehydrated mushrooms and strained liquid.

[i found this tip in my travels when reading about balthazar's method for making mushroom soup. it was great.]

meanwhile, in the largest skillet you have over medium heat, heat 1 tablespoon olive oil. add shallots and cook 10 minutes, or until softened. add garlic and cook 2 minutes, more, stirring constantly, or until golden brown.

add 1 tablepoon of olive oil and 1 tablespoon butter; increase heat to medium-high. let melt and heat up. add half the mushrooms to the pan; stir to coat and season with kosher salt and pepper. increase heat to high. cook mushrooms 6-8 minutes, or until golden brown, stirring often. (they will seem like they've absorbed all their moisture, then they'll release water and then they'll start to brown.) transfer cooked mushrooms to a plate. repeat with remaining olive oil, remaining butter and remaining mushrooms.

add the first batch of mushrooms back to the skillet along with the dried mushrooms. remove the skillet from the heat and add 3/4 cup sherry. carefully place the skillet back over the flame. let cook 1 minute, or until the sherry is reduced to a glaze, stirring to release everything stuck to the bottom of the skillet.

transfer mushroom mixture to large saucepot. add 6 cups chicken broth and mushroom soaking liquid. over high heat, bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and let simmer 25 minutes, or until mushrooms are very soft. using immersion blender, blend soup until smooth. (or use a blender and puree, very carefully by pressing on lid with a dishtowel, in batches.) add 1 cup chicken stock (or more) to thin out the soup to your desired consistency. stir in remaining sherry. reheat on low heat, if necessary.