we're ok, we're fine

for me, it is very hard

to look at food and to see

it just as food.

i really do associate different

dishes with different parts of

my life or memories.

i never have a bite of 

carrot cake without thinking

of all of our family birthdays

(or the fact that, believe it or not,

back in the day, Friday's,

made the best carrot cake ever

and my mom tried to get their

recipe but they said no. or the fact

that years later, at our monthly

birthday party at the magazine, 

a co-worker's mom

had baked a carrot cake that tasted

just like the one from Friday's and I 

thought, finally. but then, her mother

refused to give up the recipe. and the 

coworker said she didn't blame her.

what's that about?)

or pastina, which i recently made

for larry when he wasn't feeling

well because when i was growing

up, my mom made pastina.

yes, this time around it tasted

a bit like baby food, but,

i think we were both comforted

even now.

or pizza with vinegar,

which is almost always how i eat

pizza, once lauren and i finally

drizzled it on. we had spent years

watching other customers drizzle

red wine vinegar onto 

their ultra thin crust pie at 

pete & elda's,

a restaurant that gives you 

a T-shirt if you eat an 18"

round on your own.

finally, while sharing a smaller

pie, we cracked and loved it.

and whenever, i make this 

artichoke soup,

i will think about our wedding

and honeymoon, or more

appropriately,

our first day back to work,

following the madness.

we were engaged for 

one year and one month

when i started my new job.

our wedding was 5 months away

and we had yet to fully confirm

our honeymoon. up until this point,

i had been holding tight to my 

croatia fantasy, but hadn't cemented 

the plans.

so, when i gave my new boss the days

that i needed off, i panicked and 

gave a return date much sooner 

than i should have, 

worrying that i would disappoint 

everyone too quickly. 

we were marrying on a sunday,

i imagined leaving for the honeymoon

on tuesday, and i told them, 

sure, no problem, i'll be back 

the following thursday.

the second i said it, i regretted it, 

knowing that not only were we no 

longer going overseas, but also

that there would be little to any

downtime between returning home

and heading back to work.

so, we booked a trip to barbados

(actually to curacao first, but

that didn't work out), for

tuesday to tuesday.

then, about a three and a half months

later, a position -

a promotion - opened up 

and i was encouraged to go for it.

i spent the next few weeks heavily

preparing and about 3 weeks

before the wedding, got the job.

start date? immediately.

while on our honeymoon,

i tried not to, but i worried that

we would rush back and go

to work and that it would feel

like we never went away. 

i sat in our gorgeous private

pool thinking about the fact

that in 5-4-3-2 days we

would be back and at night,

i dreamt about things that

i forgot to take care of before

i left.

we still had a good time

and i worked hard to

get over myself.

i woke up wednesday morning, 

knowing that the 

next day, 

not only would i be at work,

but that it would be the beginning

of a 9 day-straight stretch.

it really, honestly, hurt.

thursday came, 

i went to work

and everyone was lovely, 

welcoming me back, 

acting like they had known

me for longer than 5 months,

asking for wedding pictures,

honeymoon stories, 

to see my wedding band.

but, still i had 400 e-mails,

which meant 

my inbox was full, which meant

that i couldn't reply to any until

i deleted at least half. 

i was now officially into my job

and rightfully expected to jump

back in and take responsibility

for myself as a professional,

not a planning-a-wedding-learning-

a-job quasi employee.

we were back. 

which, to me, meant

back to everything. i searched for 

a recipe to make for dinner that night, 

found this quick soup, 

shopped for the ingredients and

drove home, teary.

it wasn't that the wedding was over.

it was just that we were back,

from the vacation, the getaway,

the everything we had planned

for so long, but really,

we hadn't planned for this.

i had to work like crazy now,

but plan-wise, i was free for

the foreseeable future.

it felt scary.

when i walked in, larry greeted me,

arms out, asked me how my day was 

and i burst out crying,

saying (and, really i'm not proud

of this): hard, it was hard. 

we're back.

and now we're just married people

who work.

i set to work chopping the onion,

a good excuse to pretend that's why 

i was crying.

then i tossed garlic and 

artichokes into the pan

with broth and simmered them 

together. i did puree it, 

but decided that i was too cranky

to strain the smooth mixture, 

considering that i 

had already cheated terribly

by buying pesto (after growing

up in a pesto-making household),

instead of making it.

a handful of grated romano cheese,

a few big squeezes of lemon

and a splash of milk

turned the creamy soup

from so-so to very good.

the jalapeno-pecan pesto that i had

picked up was fantastic,

and together with cornbread,

they made the night so much

easier to swallow.

we looked at our honeymoon

pictures again, talked to 

friends and family,

spent a crazy amount

of time staring at our rings

(which we had left behind,

lest losing our new pieces

of jewelry at the beach),

and i finally realized it would

be ok. 

married,

working,

non-stop running around.

whatever.

this soup, made from

not so much, kind of snapped

me out of it, made me deal

with life and made me 

grateful for the fact that

we even had a honeymoon,

seven uninterrupted days 

together and

and that my typically pale

arms were actually tan.

when i re-made the soup

last week, it wasn't quite

so magical, but it was still

quick and comforting.

this time, i blended together my own

pesto - trying to recreate

the one that i bought 9

months before. 

i used arugula instead of

parsley and truth be told,

it tasted nothing like

the other, but still, i believe,

it is a pesto that could stand up

against others.

and when i dropped a dollop

in, it kind of made me forget

that on the walk over to the table, 

the soup had sloshed around,

messing up its edges

and was no longer pretty.

so, i took a breath, 

took a picture,

took a spoonful,

remembered the first

taste last september,

and settled down.

lemon artichoke soup

the first time i made this soup, i evened it all out with about 1/4 cup of milk. the second time i didn't - i think the milk mellows the mixture nicely, but it's certainly not necessary. this recipe is pretty different at this point than the original - one major change: i still haven't strained the mixture after pureeing. i'm fine with the texture, but if you want it ultra silky smooth, add the step back in.

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 large white onion, peeled and chopped

3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped

2 cans (16 ounces each) artichoke hearts, drained and rinsed

3 cups (or more) fat-free, low-sodium chicken broth

1/3 cup grated romano cheese

1 large juicy lemon, juiced

in saucepot over medium heat, warm oil 30 seconds to 1 minute, or until hot. add onion; season with salt and pepper. cook 8 minutes, or until soft and translucent. add garlic and cook 1 minute. add artichoke hearts and chicken broth. bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer 8-10 minutes, or until artichokes are very soft. using immersion blender, puree mixture. 

(if you do not have an immersion blender, transfer mixture to blender, in batches and very carefully blend, putting a towel over the lid and pressing down tightly. hot mixtures live to blow the tops off of blenders, so again, be careful.)

if necessary, thin mixture out using additional broth or milk. stir in cheese and lemon juice. season with salt and pepper. adjust flavorings adding more salt, pepper, cheese or lemon, if necessary. top with pesto.

arugula, jalapeno and pecan pesto

i wanted a spicy pesto and i was fortunate enough to pick one jalapeno that packed a lot of heat. otherwise, i would have thrown a second one in. use your judgement. and, keep in mind that arugula is a bitter green, so this pesto boasts a bit of bitterness. this pesto is not as loose and oily as they usually are. i stopped drizzling it in once the mixture came together into a smooth cohesive mixture, if you want something less firm, keep drizzling in until it reaches your desired consistency. 

oh, and the leftovers were so good smeared on toast, topped with pickled onions and a sunny side up egg.

3 cups packed arugula

3 cloves garlic, halved

1/3 cup, plus 2 tablespoons, chopped toasted pecans, divided

1/3 cup grated romano cheese

1-2 jalapenos, seeded and quartered

1/2 lemon, juiced

3 tablespoons (or more) olive oil

in bowl of food processor, combine arugula, garlic, 1/3 cup pecans, cheese, jalapenos and lemon juice. pulse 5-8 times, or until chopped and combined. with motor running, very slowly drizzle in olive oil to emulsify mixture. transfer mixture to bowl; stir in remaining pecans. cover; chill in fridge until ready to use.