resolution

i feel guilty.

all the time.

i feel guilty with my

family because i'm not

always available enough/

awake enough/

care-free enough

to be with them

at the drop of a hat.

i feel guilty at work

because i worry that i'm

not the fill-in-the-blank i could

be - because i'm not

tough enough, smart enough,

something enough.

i feel guilty with my friends because

i wish i was better at e-mailing back, texting

back, making regular plans with them, even

though i think about the people who are

important to me all the time and wish that

i was able to show it more with my actions.

and, i feel guilty about this blog.

i started it because i wanted - needed -

a place to be myself, through my

writing, my food and over time,

my pictures. and, it's true,

i did that for a while. but,

blogging, or more specifically,

building a community is not automatic

and i am guilty of growing

discouraged. and then, i moved, which

i've talked about quite a bit before.

i thought i could handle keeping both

going. i thought that even though i moved

an hour and a half away from my job,

and was waking up 2 1/2 hours earlier

than i used to, i would leave work earlier

i'd get home earlier.

but, that doesn't happen.

these past three months are unbelievably

hard to explain - with the exception of a mini

vacation, thanksgiving dinner and, later, a night

celebrating chanukah, i feel as if my life has been,

sleeping and working, with a tiny bit of cooking

and a few hours of glee and modern family

thrown in (we even gave up amazing race this year

for lack of time - if you know us, that's huge).

sometime in there, i realized

i hadn't been logging onto twitter and

that i had stopped reading the blogs

of the people i loved to read.

i have pictures on my camera

from thanksgiving that i haven't yet

downloaded - but will for this post.

i have been kind of striving for

getting by.

and i feel guilty all the time -

that i shouldn't have started this

blog, that i shouldn't try to keep

up the blog anymore,

that maybe i don't have

the level of commitment in me

that a good blog needs.

i worry that at this point,

when i write something, it's been

way too long and no one will care

to or remember, to check.

but, then, things happen.

two blogs that i read, recently

posted their first entry in months.

and, i realized - i don't think anything

less of them for their absence. i was

just excited to see what they wrote.

and, today, when needing a

cupcake recipe, i was so happy to

be able to refer to

my blog,

my diary (albeit a public one),

to find the one i was looking for.

so, it will be hard, but here's

my new year's promise to myself:

no guilt...um, maybe less guilt.

and, to try to love this blog

for what it is: mine,

and hopefully yours a bit, too.

and in that spirit,

i am also going to make an effort

to try to post more often,

but in whatever way works

in the moment - small entries,

story-filled, or like this one,

a compilation of what's been

happening in my life.

--

my mom, sisters and i took a trip to disney world to celebrate my mother's 60th birthday. it was an all-girl trip: two double beds, two sinks that were crowded with makeup and hair dryers and what seemed like 50 different chargers for 50 different electronic things. we played the trip like adults - enjoying a delicious african restaurant one night, very good desserts after a somewhat rough meal on the last night, avoiding characters (for the most part) and using the last day to visit the food and wine festival at epcot.

a couple weeks later, on thanksgiving - i insisted on making two dishes. my family tried to dissuade me - i had worked a significant amount leading up to the holiday, but i hated the idea of showing up with a bottle of wine or store-bought pie. so, i hunkered down on thanksgiving morning with a significant cup of coffee and started chopping six pounds of kale and peeling and slicing pears.

this cooking experience was not without its faults: i accidentally spilled a healthy splash of milk into the onions that i was sweating, the kale almost boiled over about 5 times, the greens were too salty forcing me to rinse them and just when i thought i couldn't mess up anything else, caramel spilled onto the floor, the counter, my socks and the computer cord when i tried to flip the upside down cake. but, it was all delicious (ok, maybe the cake was slightly undercooked) and company was perfect as always.

recipes:

creamed kale with caramelized pearl onions from bobby flay (i doubled this recipe and used significantly less butter when caramelizing the onions): this was a huge hit, but if you reheat, i caution you to do what i didn't do: heat separately on the stovetop and then add the onions just before serving.

pear and cardamom upside down cake from the wednesday chef: i loved the flavor of this cake, but it's true that it didn't bake all the way through, even though the top was golden and it seemed solid. i'm choosing to blame the cake strips that i used to prevent a domed top. think what you will.

thanks to our collective busy schedules, we celebrated chanukah several days after the holiday ended. i decided that i wanted to make the mushroom and pecan pate that i had spotted a month earlier. i was very nervous that my family wouldn't go for a pate, so i made the only decision that made any sense: i made a chicken pate, too. i needn't have worried. they were lovely and a huge hit.

recipes:

tuscan chicken liver pate from food52: delicious and slightly unusual combination of flavors. next time, i would probably eliminate or significantly reduce the cheese, which i felt overwhelmed the the other flavors. i also would process the mixture for shorter amount of time - i think it was just a bit gummy.

porcini and pecan pate from food & wine magazine: this one is a great vegetarian alternative, but slightly flat for my taste. i ended up adding in a bit of olive oil, a little cayenne and extra lemon juice. next time, i think i would caramelize onions and toss them into the food processor before pureeing. i think this was the favorite.

so that was my november and december.

i would like to believe

that i will post again

before the end of the year,

but let's be realistic.

it was only this crazy snowstorm

that gave me the excuse to spend

time writing,

on my couch,

in my pajamas,

with finally, no where

to go, or really no way

to get there.

so, with that, i want

to say, happy new year.

here's to hoping for more

time together in 2011.

pear and hazelnut crostada

so, i'm back.

and, with one of my favorite

desserts:

a pear crostada that

has successfully served

several thanksgivings.

every year,

after i've had my first bite,

i think, why don't i make

this at the first sign

of fall, when pears are popping

up left and right at the markets?

the answer is simple:

i really don't make desserts

without an occasion.

but if i was the type of person

who decided on a sunday

to just make a pie or tart

to enjoy after dinner,

this would be the one that

i would turn to,

time and time again.

because, without a doubt,

this is my kind of dessert.

reason 1: it's fruit based.

if given the choice,

i will almost always pick a

fruity sweet - something with

apples, plums, peaches,

blueberries, strawberries,

bananas, pineapples -

over a chocolate concoction.

make it an in season,

peak of their prime fruit,

like juicy pears,

and you don't even have to ask.

just cut me a sliver.

reason number 2: it has a crust.

maybe because it took me so

long to feel comfortable making

pie crusts or maybe it's just because

pastry crusts are

buttery, tender and lovely,

but i just think there is something

incredibly special about

pies, tarts

and their flaky bases.

unless you're offering me carrot cake, too,

i'll take the pie, please.

reason number 3: hazelnuts.

i never really understood the power

of these buttery fragrant nuts

until i started making

larry's birthday cake.

but then, i was hooked. once

toasted and husked, they offer

an unparalleled element to sweet

and savory preparations. here,

they get double time to shine:

first, they're ground with flour

to form the base in the crust,

then whirled in the food processor

with butter and brown sugar

to make the crumb topping.

reason number 4: it's a crostada.

ok, if i'm being honest, this is

probably what drew me to the

recipe. when i first printed it out,

years ago, i had finally come to

terms with the fact that it is not

that hard to throw ingredients

in a food processor to make a crust.

but, my rolling, transferring and

pressing prettily into a pie pan skills?

still shaky. a crostada, in which

i could roll the dough out into

as close to a circle as i could get

it, pile it high with pears and then

fold over the edges, this way

and that, was right up my alley.

read: it's forgiving.

reason number 5: it can be made in steps.

well, i don't live with my mom anymore,

but that's where we celebrate thanksgiving.

even though this fall beauty is rustic,

i still think it's a little fragile -

i'd rather not bake, then transport.

(although, probably, that's my own paranoia.)

i love that i can show up

at my mom's house with:

a disk of dough that is still chilled after

an over an hour in the car, a container of

buttery hazelnut crumbs for the top,

three ripe pears and a tiny plastic bag

of flour and sugar to later mix with

those pears. oh, and there's usually

an orange rolling pin sticking

out of my bag, too, but a bottle of wine

would work just as well.

still not convinced?

well, let me tell you a couple other

things. this is the kind of crostada

that makes people tell you how good

it smells in the house before they're

even fully inside. it's the type of

crostada, that i think actually looks fun

to make - so much so that almost every

year, one of my sisters helps roll

the dough, fold the edges

or adds the crumbs on top.

and, most importantly, it's the type of

crostada that makes everyone at my

mom's thanksgiving table take a slice:

from someone who always thinks

they are too full to even come back to the table,

to a chocoholic, to another who doesn't

even eat dessert. ever.

and that, i think, is enough of a reason right there.

pear and hazelnut crostada

adapted from bon appetit magazine

over the years, i've done everything from making the piecrust and crumb topping over the weekend and freezing them until wednesday night, to just making them both thursday morning and chilling until i leave to go to my mom's. they both work just fine. oh, and if you're really on your game, give yourself a head start by toasting and husking the hazelnuts the night before. directions are here.

i should note that the one difficulty i've had with this recipe is the baking time. it instructs 400˚f in the bottom third of the oven for 40 minutes, then 12 more after that. i've never even made it to the extra 12. in fact, 40 minutes seems too long. next year, i am absolutely baking this in the center of the oven for 30 minutes and then checking to prevent it from getting too brown. (in fact, this time, i took it out after about only 26 minutes of baking and it was already darker than i would have liked it.) below, however, i'm including the directions from the original recipe. enjoy it - oh, and pick up some vanilla ice cream, too.

topping

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

2/3 cup hazelnuts, toasted and husked

5 tablespoons packed golden brown sugar

3 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter, cubed

pinch of salt

in bowl of food processor, combine all ingredients; blend 1 minute, or until clumps form. transfer to small bowl or container; chill until needed. no need to clean the food processor between steps.

crust

1 cup all-purpose flour

2/3 cup bread flour

1/3 cup hazelnuts, toasted and husked

3 tablespoons packed golden brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

9 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter, cubed

2-3 tablespoons ice water

in bowl of food processor, combine all-purpose flour, bread flour, hazelnuts, sugar and salt; blend 30 seconds to 1 minute, or until hazelnuts are finely chopped. add butter and pulse, just until coarse meal forms. with motor running, drizzle in 2 tablespoons ice water and process just until a ball of dough forms, adding more water, a teaspoon at a time, if necessary. transfer dough to work surface and form until a ball; flatten into a disk. wrap in plastic wrap and chill at least 30 minutes.

when you're ready to bake. heat oven to 400˚f. place dough between two sheets of parchment paper and roll dough to a 13-inch round (or as close to a round as you can get), lifting paper, smoothing wrinkles and turning as needed. remove and discard top piece of parchment paper. transfer bottom piece of parchment paper with dough to a large unrimmed baking sheet.

filling

1 3/4 pounds ripe bartlett pears, peeled, quartered, cored and thinly sliced

1/3 cup sugar

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

in medium bowl, gently combine pears, sugar and flour.

place pear mixture in center of dough, mounding high and leaving a 2-inch border. using parchment paper as an aid, if necessary, fold dough over pears, pleating loosely and pinching to seal any cracks.

sprinkle hazelnut topping over pears (it will seem like a lot, but still, put it all on there). bake 40 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown. (start checking it after about 20 minutes to make sure it doesn't burn.) tent very loosely with foil to prevent over-browning and bake until juices bubble thickly, about 12 minutes more. transfer baking sheet to rack; cool completely or just until warm. slide large spatula under crust to free from parchment and transfer to a platter (note: my mom and i transfer it every year using three large spatulas and finger-crossing.)

i made cranberry sauce muffins (then got news that made my day)

i was off on wednesday.

i woke up with a clear plan:

shop for dinner,

shop for muffin ingredients.

make muffins,

make dinner.

i was planning to tell you

about the muffins a week

from now, when we were closer

to thanksgiving and they were

sure to make a little more sense.

but then on thursday something really

great happened.

--

it was august when i found out

about food52. i was reading another

blog, talking about this recipe contest:

two winners each week, both

published in a book at the end of the year.

i pretty much enter any situation with

trepidation (sadly, true), and this?

if i entered, this would really be putting

myself out there. i'm not going to lie,

the blog in the beginning, was scary.

but in that really good way.

like the blog, i had a feeling that

food52 would be a good

thing to be a part of, for the community of it,

the inspiration and, yes, the possibility

of submitting a winning recipe.

after weeks of watching

and waiting for a category that i felt

strong and confident about, i entered

into the smoked paprika contest with

sherry steamed clams. i didn't win, but

it was not at all the scary experience i

thought it could be. so, i entered again

with a variation of the squid stew.

after a few contests, i felt

like i hit my groove and have continued

to enter when inspiration strikes.

two weeks ago, i entered the contest for

best cranberry sauce. and on thursday,

i found out that i was a finalist.

it's a recipe, i feel, that is true

to me and who i am as a cook:

not completely traditional,

but not so wacky either.

it's full of flavors and

different textures,

and, the whole thing is made

in one pot, so cleanup is minimal.

while i will not back peddle and say that i didn't

feel passionate about the other recipes

that i submitted, i know i can

stand by the cranberry sauce,

regardless of if it makes its way

in the cookbook or not.

--

the only problem with making

cranberry sauce a month before

the holiday, is that there are leftovers.

a lot of leftovers. and considering

that my thanksgiving day plate usually

holds only one small piece

of obligatory turkey, anyway,

i was not about to make anything

turkey now. i thought about fish,

and briefly toyed with chicken,

then thumbprint cookies,

before having a dream that i

made cranberry sauce muffins.

when i woke up, i realized

that it was not such a bad idea.

i planned to adapt a muffin recipe

that i already had, but then all it

took was one click of the button

to realize something:

someone else had already thought

of it. of course. what was i thinking?

so, i read a few and decided to

go with a recipe published last year

in serious eats. i was drawn to

this particular take because of

the whole grain flour and

oats, combined with a small amount

of oil and only one egg.

i was looking for something slightly

wholesome, not rich and buttery.

(in spite of liking the

good-for-you additions,

i'll admit one thing.

without a recipe in hand, i had

picked up white chocolate the

the night before, sure that it

was what the

muffins would need

to play off the tartness

of the cranberry.)

the other thing i liked was that,

with a few modifications,

i had all the ingredients in the

house. sure, i had to swap out the

skim milk for 1%, which is odd

because we are usually a skim

milk househould, and i used

whole wheat flour instead of

whole grain because that's what

was stashed in the freezer.

but otherwise? all in the kitchen.

i cut my shopping trip in half.

there is absolutely nothing

complicated about this recipe

and if you're not trying to

make cheese at the same time

(more on that later),

the muffins should take you

no more than 10 minutes

to mix together.

i added the white chocolate

in, which i kind of liked -

the pieces added sweetness and

moisture, to an otherwise

almost savory muffin.

but, if i didn't have any in the

house - or if you, like many,

are not a fan - i'd leave it

out and not worry.

also, i will tell you,

once simmered into a sauce,

cooled and then baked into

muffins, the cranberries

are not as tart as they once were.

these, i think, are great

to bake, cool and

throw in the freezer -

perfect to thaw for yourself as needed.

if i'm being completely honest,

i'm not sure these are the muffins

i would whip up for company.

unless, of course, the company

is your immediate family who doesn't

judge and who you cook for all the time

and are so famished after waking up

from their thanksgiving comas,

they're just impressed that you

made last night's cranberry sauce

into this morning's baked good.

cranberry sauce and white chocolate muffins

adapted from michael harr via serious eats

you can use any leftover cranberry sauce - what i loved about using mine (wow, that sounds snobby) is that it was made with walnuts and grated pear, so as the sauce was incorporated with the other wet ingredients, nuts and pears created their own pockets in the finished muffin. two weird things about this recipe: 1) it said that it should make about 12 muffins, but i had a lot more batter. i decided to make mini muffins with the remaining batter and i actually liked those better than the big ones. but that may be because of 2) the baking temperature. i bake most things somewhere in the 300-350 range. this recipe calls for 400˚f for 20-22 minutes. if i had used my head sooner, would have lowered it by 50˚. but i didn't, and at 19 minutes, the large muffins were browner than i would have liked. if i make these again, i will stick to normal baking temperatures. here is the recipe, how i made it.

1 cup all-purpose flour, divided

4 ounces white chocolate, chopped into small pieces (optional)

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup quick-cooking oats

1/3 cup brown sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups leftover cranberry sauce (recipe below)

1/2 cup 1% milk

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 egg

heat oven to 400˚f. line wells of a muffin tin with paper baking cups. have a mini muffin tin on standby, just in case. (because i didn't expect to use the small muffin tin, i didn't have it out. after finding it under everything else i owned, i didn't bother adding muffin cups - i just coated the tin with nonstick spray.)

in small bowl, combine 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour with white chocolate pieces; set aside.

in large bowl, combine remaining all-purpose flour, whole wheat flour, oats, brown sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda and salt. in medium bowl, whisk together milk, oil, cranberry sauce and egg. using spatula, fold all dry ingredients into wet ingredients; stir just until moistened. fold in white chocolate pieces.

fill muffin cups 3/4 of the way full; spoon extra in greased mini muffin pan.

bake 20-22 minutes, or until just golden brown (i'd start checking somewhere around 15 minutes if you bake at this high a temperature), and toothpick inserted in muffins comes out clean. for mini muffins, bake 8-10 minutes.

let cool 5 minutes; transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

pear, brandy and walnut cranberry sauce

1/3 cup, plus 2-3 tablespoons brandy, divided

water

2 cinnamon sticks, each broken in half

8 black peppercorns

12 ounces fresh cranberries, picked over

3/4 cup packed light brown sugar

2 medium bartlett pears, peeled (ripe, but still firm)

1/2 cup chopped walnuts, toasted and divided

pour 1/3 cup brandy into liquid measuring cup; add enough water to equal 1/2 cup water total. set aside. place cinnamon sticks and peppercorns in in cheesecloth or large tea bag; tie closed using kitchen twine.

in medium saucepot, combine cranberries, brown sugar and cinnamon-pepper bundle. using large holes on box grater, grate pears into saucepot. stir in brandy-water mixture.

over high heat, bring cranberry mixture to a boil; reduce heat to medium and cook 10-12 minutes, or until cranberries have burst and the mixture has combined, stirring occasionally. remove from heat.

stir in 2 to 3 tablespoons brandy. let cool. remove and discard cinnamon bundle; stir in all but 1 tablespoon toasted walnuts. transfer mixture to a small seving bowl; sprinkle with remaining walnuts.